“How can you show love, to those past versions of yourself?”, the question my therapist asked me 2 weeks ago. We’d been discussing my feelings of shame towards those younger versions of myself…those versions of myself that partied, had (mostly) safe sex, and even did some recreational drugs (not counting marijuana in that group)…ya know, the same things that many other young adults do. It’s not like I’m the only person who sowed wild oats, drank too much alcohol, and danced til the sun came up back in my 20s and early 30s. So why do I feel shame over all those things! when I don’t judge other folks who acted the same during that age?

While rocking out to Justin Timberlake (don’t judge me) “I Can’t Drink You Away) on the way to pick up supper tonight, I had a memory of an ex & I having sex on his mattress, on the floor of his downtown loft apartment (fucking loved his apartment and his motorcycle) while snorting cocaine off each other. Honestly, it’s a great memory but I hated the shame that came with it; then I stopped myself and literally asked myself “why do you feel shame about this?! Everything was consensual. No one was hurt. And we didn’t leave/drive anywhere. It was some of the best sex I’ve ever had.” And then a little voice said “because it was dirty & wrong”…that fucking purity culture, bullshit thinking is still in my brain even though I deconstructed years ago, and that’s why I feel so much shame. Well, damn.

Now back to the original question of how do I show love to the version of me, instead of shame/disgust? Well I can change the shameful self talk in my brain when I catch it, for starters. Remind myself that even if 45 year old me would make different choices, younger me didn’t have the same knowledge or years of therapy; all those younger versions of me were doing their best.

Something else I’ve considered is recounting those memories here, since sharing can also be an effective way to combat shame. I’d seriously never run out of subject matter, like ever. I think that’s something that I’m truly realizing now, like there is ALOT of shame inside me for so many different things…I’m just really starting to crack the surface.