I’m one who looks for meanings in dreams, or meanings in why I’m having certain dreams. Some dreams are easier than others…if my teeth are falling out in my dream I can trace it to anxiety. If I dream about my late Mom, it’s because I’ve been needing her & needing to feel her presence.

It’s harder with other dreams.

The other night I dreamed of P/my abuser. It wasn’t a nightmare, though; it was a pleasant dream. In the dream I could feel the love in the way he looked at me, and held my hand. He was still “him” in my dream, and I’d let him back in for another chance; only this time it was for real and he was actually changing. It was different “this time” in my dream…he truly *did* change.

When I was fixing my morning coffee, I started crying, remembering the dream. I reflexively stopped myself with the “he’s not worth your tears”, but another part of me said “he’s not, but your dreams are & you can grieve those.”

I let myself cry.

It’s not all bad memories with an abuser, that’s part of the complexities of domestic abuse. I have a lot of good memories with P-family fishing trips while we lived in Colorado. Late nights and cookouts with friends in Louisiana. The 4 of us playing Wheel of Fortune on XBox. The good parts are what make leaving even harder, and for me, making healing harder.

People don’t want to hear survivors talk about the good times, it’s almost like we’re not allowed to think any of the times were good. But humans and relationships are complex, of course there are good memories. I need to grieve and honor those memories, as well as being able to grieve all the unrealized dreams that I for us. I had dreams of a life that included P being a loving, true life partner.

So the nights that I have the good dreams about P, I think that’s my brain processing some grief & helping me heal. The good times and the good times that never happened, they deserve to be honored & grieved too.