Watching and reading Maid by Stephanie Land resurrected memories of those rough couple of years after kicking out Preston. I was jobless (because he’d convinced me to quit my job and become his VA Caregiver, which never happened), living with C-PTSD from his decade of abuse, and he decided to just stop paying child support. I’d been looking for employment, and finally got to me doctor for medications (she was so worried that I might become suicidal, that she called to check on me), and then i landed a job in the school system (that way i didn’t have to worry about before & after school care).

Once I got the job as a pre-k teacher in a public school, at least I got benefits and a pay check, but my TANF (a measly $100-ish a month), and food assistance was cut off. I was making less than $27,500/yr with TWO children but that only qualified them for free meals at the school. So I also did pet-sitting/dog walking, and worked 3 afternoons a week doing yard work for an older woman.

It should be noted that I have a master’s degree…so the whole “go to college to get a better job” is absolute shit.

I was working myself ragged. I worked full-time hours as a pet-sitter/walker during school breaks. I shopped at Walmart for food because of their sales and price, much like my students’ parents did and one day a parent came in to drop off their kid amd said to me “Hey, today is the last day of 99 cent Lunchables at Walmart-be sure to stock up!” She knew that my kiddos practically lived off those, and I 100% appreciated the heads up! After she left a worker said “I can’t believe you let your kids eat that crap!”

Wow, way to make me feel like shit. I already felt shame over having to utilize the food bank and the extra food sent home, by the school, with me kids. (Food bank donated food for those “less fortunate” kids.) I blew it off externally but internally, I was seething with shame and anger. Who the fuck were they to make any judgment on what I feed my kids?!

And when you’re on government assistance, those “welfare queen” memes and Facebook posts about what people use their “food stamps” for hit home.

Not being economically stable is NOT a character flaw.

Utilizing government is not a sign of laziness.

Working multiple jobs to make ends meet is not a character flaw; it’s a flaw in the system…or rather the intended consequence of an intentionally flawed system.

Assistance is HARD to get, on purpose; and honestly that in and of itself is disgusting. The hoops that you have to jump through for just the tiniest amount of help is ridiculous. Then once you get help, you’ll lose it when you get a job because that’s how ridiculous the income rules were. The whole system is rigged, on purpose.

Not to mention that there’s such a stigma of being a “single mom” that’s not as relevant to single dads, at least in my area. Somehow they’re universally seen as being so amazing, so responsible, so deserving of help. But nope, if you’re a single mom you were irresponsible, did something to deserve your economic insecurity, and because of that you should be forced to beg for help or do everything on your own.

I still remember a teacher who told me to practice math with my kids (both kids were struggling with math) while making supper, with the measuring, etc…like I had the time to make 100% home cooked meals while working 3 jobs. (To be fair, I still don’t cook regularly, but that’s a subject for another blog post.)

If you’ve never been economically insecure, I encourage you to TRULY look into those government assistance programs to get a decent idea of how they work. Look into all the housing assistance programs, utility assistance, and food programs; and think about how hard it is to navigate all of those if you’re struggling with mental health issues or limited education or don’t understand English well. As a college educated person, it was hard enough for me and my stars the time it took to fill out the forms, have interviews, and have to send in more proof.

And for the love of humanity, STFU if you feel the need to offer unsolicited opinions or advice. Trust me, we single moms get enough of that shit already. If you feel the need to offer unsolicited anything to us, make it a Visa gift card or a deposit to Venmo

https://venmo.com/code?user_id=2530634333421568121&created=1649294428.7400641&printed=1