Can I get sued for using that as my title? Hopefully not. Please don’t sue me, I don’t have shit any way.

Last night I had sex. Wonderful sex, full of kissing, touching, orgasms (pain free-more on that later), sweat, smiles, and complete confidence. The kind of sex that left me feeling the full power of the divine feminine. The kind of sex that I look forward to having again.

And I’m not in love with him. In fact, he’s little more than an acquaintance who enjoys the same tv shows as me, and also falls asleep to true crime shows. We aren’t even friends on social media.

We just happen to have incredible sexual chemistry…like Claire and Jamie chemistry, without the love.

It. Is. Perfect. (at this moment)

Lately I’ve said to more than one friend “I completely understand people who pay for sex; because right now I don’t want a relationship but I *do* want sex.” It finally dawned on me to message B…all we’ve ever been are sex & tv friends. First we have incredible sex, then we end up watching a tv show together; and for a few hours all I am is, a sex goddess. He will do whatever I want (so far), even if he’s never tried it before; and he never tries to pressure me into anything I don’t want to do. During our sex sessions, we even fall into laughter during breaks as we chat about “whatever” while we catch our breaths and drink water. (Oh that’s another thing, except for one birthday of mine, we’ve been 100% sober before, during, and after.)

There’s never been any real awkwardness, ever; even yesterday, after not touching each other for literal years, we fell right back into each other, like time had never passed. (And for anyone reading this right now, thinking “omg it’s like a rom-com! They’re gonna fall in love!” That’s never happening, it’s one of the reasons I enjoy this “relationship”.

I never feel like I have to fake anything, because I don’t feel a need to spare feelings. Because there are no romantic feelings involved, I’m 100% myself with him.

Back to last night…so I reached out to B and made plans to go over there. We greeted, hugged, chatted for maybe 5 minutes then started making out. It felt amazing. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be touched like that…in a purely sensual way, electric shocks branching out from wherever he touched me.

And then after about 2 hours in the bedroom, we went out to the couch and watched the rest of that Harry Potter game show. (He’s Slytherin and I’m Gryffindor/Ravenclaw, for the record.) We trash talked each other, laughed in amazement at how many details the contestants knew, talked about true crime during commercial breaks, and then when the show was over I left. He walked me to the door, we kissed some more, hugged (he’s hands down, one of the best huggers), and agreed that we would NOT wait years to hook up again.

It hit me as I left, that I felt ZERO shame about having sex with him. That’s a new thing. For me, shame & sex has been so intertwined for so long; that tends to happen when you’re raised in a cult and spend almost a decade in an abusive relationship. I feel liberated, at 45 years old.

For so very long sex has been tangled up with trauma, shame, and feelings of absolute insecurity. Absolutely no more.

I don’t know if it’s therapy, completely deconstructing from religion, age, or embracing the energy of the divine feminine, but I love this feeling of liberation. And I am never going back to those feelings of shame.

You might be wondering “But you’re in a fibro flare, and sex takes A LOT of spoons”, and you’re not wrong. If I’d had to get showered, shaved, etc right before then it never would’ve happened; but I was already showered & such from brunch. Then when the endorphins and dopamine hit, from making out, and being touched in a way that I want, suddenly the energy is there. Maybe it’s primal. Am I paying for it today, yeah a bit. Was it worth it? 100%

I can’t wait to tell my therapist that I had sex without shame. I also can’t wait to tell my gynecologist that I had sex-good, sometimes a little rough (in the best way), orgasmic sex”-without pain. It means the pills I’m taking are actually working.

Sex is not shameful. It is natural. It is (or should be) pleasurable. Naked bodies are not inherently shameful.

Now go out there and get laid (consensually & safely of course).