*This has been sitting in “drafts’ for about a week. I kept telling myself that I needed to tell the story of the last weekend with my abuser in the home, and then I kept not writing because I didn’t feel like bringing up those feelings again right now. Instead y’all get funny stories about times that I’ve been stoned on some jazz lettuce.

It’s no secret that I enjoy weed on a regular basis. Honestly, I enjoy it on a daily basis…kinda like the way others enjoy a drink or two to unwind. Plus it helps with my fibro pain, anxiety, and it just slows my brain down enough to not flip the fuck out when I’m having an anxiety attack. Quite frankly it’s been life changing…but that’s not the point of this post. Oh no, the point of this one is to share some of the ridiculous things I’ve thought while partaking for non-medicinal purposes.

One evening I took a gummy, which always take a bit to kick in with me. So I went about my business, forgot that I’d taken the gummy, proceeded to smoke a bowl, then got in the shower. I was listening to the podcast, Lovett or Leave It, and the gummy hit me in a BIG way. I was smiling, laughing along to the podcast and then it hit me “I’ve seen any of these guys but I listen to them all the time…what if they don’t exist…I never see the clients that I work with (I work remote on an app)…what if they don’t exist?! Most of my friends are online….OMFG I AM LIVING IN A SIMULATION?!?!?!” Yep, for about 5 seconds of sheer terror/WTF feelings, I thought that I was in a simulation. Then I literally laughed at myself and said out loud “bitch, you’re just high as fuck”, as I stood under the shower, feeling every single drop hit my skin in the most glorious way. I felt completely relaxed and renewed after that shower.

I enjoy soaking in a hot bubble bath, while smoking a joint, and reading. It’s one of my favorite ways to relax when I have the time to do it. I’ve been reading the Expanse books and one night I was reading one of them while having a stoned bath. (If you don’t know, Expanse is a space drama that in addition to being a book series, is also a series on Amazon Prime.) All of a sudden while I’m reading I think “What if time travel is true, and the author of these books is a time traveler who’s trying to undo the mistakes in their time?!” While in the bath and reading, I read it from that mindset and when I tell you that made it that much more amazing AND terrifying….if this is the future, I’m glad I won’t be there. But what if it happens sooner and I *do* have to live on a ship that’s hurdling through space with no home planet. My claustrophobia would make that absolutely horrible….okay self, it is NOT from a time traveler you stoned bitch. Calm down.

When you’re a 45 year old stoner, folks assume that you’ve seen The Big Lebowski; I had not, and decided to remedy that one week. (Well I’d tried to watch it many years ago, before weed, and did not like it at all. I just couldn’t even pay attention to it.) I also decided to get hella stoned to watch it because I was pretty sure that was the only way I was going to get through it. THAT WAS THE SECRET. Watching it, stoned and zen’ed out on my couch thanks to some indica, I fucking loved it. I laughed my ass off, and shook my head so many times. It was absolutely fantastic to me, I loved it, and I’ll watch it again.

Even tonight as I sit here finishing this post and watching Catching Killers, I accidentally ingested a little too much flower and I’m feeling quite like a clock in Salvador Dali’s “The Persistence of Memory”. “How did you ONCE AGAIN over serve yourself when it comes to the devil’s lettuce”, you may ask….well let me tell you. I was lighting ups roach, which was from a pre-rolled joint, and it was a joint that I’d trimmed…as in I trimmed off some of the filter. Well when I was smoking the roach, the rest of the filter came out and I literally swallowed some flower; and yes it tasted terrible. At least I’m too stoned to care.