“Who are you?” That’s a question I ask myself quite a bit. Being an only parent means that so much of my identity is based around my kids. But I’m more than that, though I frequently forget it.

“Who are you?” What even IS that question? How can it answer that, when so much of who I was for 40+ yrs was based on myths and lies, meant to control and silence people? From the time I can remember, I was raised to fear hell, be ashamed of my body (because as a woman, our bodies had the power to damn men to hell), and always feel unworthy of acceptance from a Creator WHO CREATED ME JUST TO LOVE AND ADORE HIM. Shit, no wonder I married a narcissist (like I literally just had that full epiphany…wow). That’s not me any more.

I am a fierce Momma Bear, who loves my kids fully and unconditionally forever. I genuinely enjoy their company (other than on the one morning a week that I sleep in, and they barge in my room to ask a ridiculous question), and make sure that they know I love them. We fight, make up, laugh, and get on each other’s nerves. I do my best to be the parent that they need, and want. The openness of our relationship is something that I wish I had with my parents.

Who else am I? That’s something that I’m working on now, through therapy, tarot cards, meditation, and weed. It’s all helping and I’m starting to get to the root of ME and how I want to express myself.

(I cannot adequately explain how much religion and abuse by my ex-husband squashed my self expression. Literally cannot put it into words.)

One homework assignment in therapy is for me to find new clothes, that express myself AND that I feel confident wearing. Since October 2019 I’ve basically lived in workout clothes, and jeggings; or when it’s hot I’m in cutoff shorts and a t-shirt. I’d like to maybe date some, and I’m determined to be more social; so I need real clothes. Stores can be overwhelming so I started on Pinterest, and I’m finding my style again…it still involves t-shirts, but with distressed skinny jeans, long hippie skirts, and even mini-skirts. Rather than those fuck me shoes that KILLED my feet in my 30s, my actual style is Birks, Vans or Converse, Uggs (I’m gonna buy the vegan kind, but right now I’m still wearing my 15 yr old Uggs), and soon I’ll be FINALLY buying a pair of vegan Doc Martens. I’m even going to build a “boho capsule wardrobe” because I’m an adult and it seems like an adult thing to do.

“Who are you?” I’m an empathic witch who uses Tarot cards to help me explore my true self. So many folks hear “tarot cards” and think of those grifters who take advantage of people. Or they think of some “hippie-dippie” friend in college who used to do tarot reading after everyone smoked some Kind Bud. I use my cards to tap into my energy, and to get to know myself better. I’m not trying to find out my future, so much as I’m trying to figure out how to make my desired future happen. When my life is feeling completely out of control, a 3 card read can help me figure out what I need to harness inside myself, in order to regain control. For so long I didn’t trust myself with my deck, thought that I’d somehow do it wrong; and then finally I said “pick up the damn deck, start getting familiar with it”, and I ordered a Writual Journal to inspire me to do regular readings. I LOVE IT. Getting in touch with my own energy, and vibrations , well it’s fucking cool as shit.

I’m a plant lover who wants my entire house filled with plants, but I’m also not the greatest at keeping plants alive. Somehow I’ve kept my current indoor plants alive, so I’m likely just gonna propagate the hell outta them to fill my house. Plants and books, those feel like home to me…not a surprise since my Momma was a plant lover, and my Daddy always made sure we had books in the house. Hell, we had books and magazines in every room of the house when I was growing up. And my Momma dragged me to the plant nursery regularly; I wish she’d lived long enough to see me become a plant lady.

I’m a person who believes that EVERYONE deserves shelter, good health care (including mental health services), nutritious foods, a basic income just for existing, and an actual living wage (not this $15/hr or “minimum wage” bullshit) for work. Frankly, I’m sick of the wage inequities and now I’m fighting those at my job. I enjoy being a health coach and in general like a lot of things about where I work; but when Health Coaches meds 2-3 jobs to make ends meets, while engineers make 6-figure salaries with sign on bonuses, I get pissed. I’m 45 and make $40,000 a year. I have a Master’s degree. The health app that I work for requires a college degree; yet starts coaches out at less than $40k a year. That is BULLSHIT, and many of us are fed up. Yes we’re in the very beginning of organizing, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let my employer talk about “diversity” when they won’t pay enough to keep a diverse group of coaches. FUCK THAT.

There’s so much more to me, but most importantly I’m a person who’s determined to NOT lose themself again. Never again.