I can’t finish renovations on my house, and can’t even hang stuff because some painting needs to be redone. All because my piece of shit, abusive ex-husband is trying to force me to sell. And the magistrate sided WITH HIM (poor disabled Veteran card, I’m sure), so now I have more to pay in attorney fees, while not finishing my house (legal strategy & expense). I’m still washing dishes in the tub, since December. My ex is over $22k in arrears, and doesn’t split ANY costs with me. Child support is garnished and not the full amount. He hasn’t seen the kids since October 2015…and somehow I’m the bad guy, and I should sell the house I’ve paid for on my own for the past 7 yrs.

The court system is set up AGAINST domestic violence victims.

I’m frustrated, heartbroken, and angry about all of the BULLSHIT FASCIST laws going into effect or being put on ballots across this country. Anti-abortion laws. Laws and policies against LGBTQIA youth and community. Cops killing black folks. Fucking Putin and his narcissist ass invading Ukraine. People living right here in my town (and all over the country) without healthcare, housing, food, mental health care, or adequate employment. People AT MY OWN JOB having to give up primary custody (to their ex) because the pay at {really want to name them but also don’t want the hassle…but iykyk} isn’t enough to support one adult in most places, much less a family. If I didn’t have other income for the kids, I wouldn’t be able to pay bills.

How do these fucking capitalist assholes sleep at night?!

Sometimes it all gets to be too much…because let’s be honest, the whole system of everything is built for cis-het white folks, especially men. And it’s fucking frustrating. How did it “having 3 jobs at once” become acceptable, and even praised. What the actual fuck y’all? This was not the adulthood that was sold to me.

I’ve been becoming increasingly frustrated and loud, despite my mostly ‘zen’ approach to most things. Like I’m TIRED of settling for peanuts in pay, even if it’s flexible and pays for BetterHelp. If I was paid an actual living wage, I’d be able to pay for BetterHelp myself, AND be able to afford life.

I’m 100% OVER the courts being so forgiving of white male abusers. By any account my ex should be in prison somewhere after all the domestic abuse convictions in California, at least 5 DUIs, and a hit & run. BUT HE’S NOT. Instead our tax dollars are paying him to sit on his ass, drink, game, take me to court to steal my home, and NOT pay adequate child support for any of his FIVE kids. (He’s had 2 other wives.)

Am I bitter? Fuck yes I am. I am FUCKING bitter, angry, infuriated, and feel gaslit TO THIS DAY because he seemingly never gets real consequences.

Kinda like cops who kill black people.

And Putin.

And politicians like Gaetz, DeSantis, and Trump.

And capitalist assholes like Zuckerberg, Bezos, and Musk.

But I’m done letting this anger and frustration make me feel overwhelmed and powerless. I have power and I’m ready to use it. How am I going to use it? I’m not entirely sure, but I know that if my kids are gonna have a better life, and a better world for them as adults, then some changes need to happen with me.

They need to see me fighting for a better world in an active way.

This is part of who I am…an advocate, an activist, who’s trying to raise kids to be good humans.

I feel more like myself in this moment, than i have in years.