Two years ago, at the beginning of The Pandemic, B was in the midst of an emotional breakdown that led to long term hospitalization. Not only were they being hospitalized, the facility was out of state, and because of COVID no in-person visits were allowed. A total of 7 months of not getting to hug my child. Seven months of their sibling being alone, during a pandemic when he couldn’t hangout with any other child in person. Seven of months of sitting alone in the dark, watching Battlestar Galactica, dissociating completely for hours. Seven months of family therapy via Zoom, and individual therapy (for me) via BetterHelp (I’m still in therapy via BH and my therapist is amazing). Seven months of me managing to work FT, oversee J’s online schooling (and then navigating a summer at home with him), prepare for B’s eventual return, and deal with the heaviness of the world.

It was DARK, y’all. I struggled with intrusive thoughts ranging from wanting to be unalive (not the same as being actively suicidal), to “maybe I don’t deserve to be a mother”, to “what if this is the rest of my life and B never comes home”. I didn’t get enough sleep ever, and I spent most of that time on autopilot.

Since B has been home (late Sept 2020), we’ve all come a long way. J readjusted to having his sibling back home, after about 2 months. I got back on Zoloft and started Seroquel at night for sleep; wow, what a difference sleep makes…my brain actually works pretty well if it gets enough rest. Both kids have had med adjustments, and we all get along much better with each other.

But school has been a different story. J has so much anxiety around everything, but school is a special source of anxiety. The latest incident involved a trip to the ER to make sure his chest pain was anxiety and not something physical. I’m working hard with him to develop coping skills and his psychiatrist is amazing; but it’s still so hard for him.

As of today, B is now on their third school this school year. They’re now enrolled in an alternative school with mental health therapists there every single day. They wear uniforms and there is ZERO tolerance for fighting and bullying. The student:teacher ratio is low, seeing as the entire school has less than 110 students, 4th-12th grade. B and I are both hopeful about this school, and if they want to , B can continue there until graduation from high school.

Please let this be THE PLACE for them. All I want is for them to feel successful.

It’s not easy being the only parent to my kids. So often I feel like I’m letting someone down, and not being present enough. I empathize all day at work with my clients, and then have to continue on with my kids until they go to bed at night. It’s draining and there’s no one to pass the baton to , EVER.

That’s where I am today. Drained. Tapped out of empathy.

And I’m sad, so sad. The body remembers trauma, and being apart from your child for 7 months during a worldwide pandemic is a trauma.

The same is true for B and their body remembering the trauma. They talk more and more about ”the hospital” around this time of year, and their birthday (because they spent 1 birthday in the hospital). It is HARD to hear your kid talk about feeling abandoned by you; even when you both know it had to happen. Hearing you kid talk about having panic attacks about being sent back to the hospital; it can make you feel like a shitty parent.

I am not a shitty parent, but sometimes I have to reminded myself of that. I am an imperfect parent, who admits when I fuck up, and make sure my kids know that they’re loved completely and unconditionally.

You might be wondering “what is the point in telling us all of this?”

The point is, I’m in a weird headspace and have been for a week or so; and then I remembered why-body remembers trauma.

For the past few days, I’ve had anxiety based bad dreams any time I slept. Like I was on a trip and forgot to book my dog sitter; or my ex-boyfriend drops by; or I’m somewhere public missing a piece of clothing. I’ve been waking up panicky, and now I know why. For me knowing “the why” is important and sometimes I can lucid dream and actually tell myself “this is an anxiety dream and you’re in bed with your dogs.”

I often try to think ahead by saying “once you get through XYZ, it’ll be easier”, which is less helpful than you might think. I’m working on changing that thinking, because really it’s LIFE and the journey is the whole point. This is it. This life is what I have.

Do you know how hard that is to write and wrap my head around? Even after deconstructing years ago (or at least realizing that I didn’t believe in a god any more), accepting that there’s no real other side in the way I was taught/brainwashed is HARD.

The journey IS the destination. My experiences, good and bad, are what make life.

So now I’m working to live in the moment, and be more present. I actively stop myself from daydreaming about whenever XYZ happens, because what’s important is NOW. Right now it’s harder than usual to live in the present.

Because of past trauma and the continued trauma of being abused by my ex-husband.

So how do I combat all the intrusive, anxiety thoughts?

Get in hard cardio almost everyday. Do yoga everyday and give myself permission to do one different than the one scheduled (Yoga With Adriene) if I need something different. Cut down on alcohol. Do tarot readings on myself (gah, I need to do one tomorrow). Spend time with my kids everyday, even if it’s just watching Steven Universe at the end of the day.

Smoke weed. That helps my brain slow down enough for me to talk myself out of a spiral. And helps me sleep.

Damn, it feels good to get all of those thoughts out.

Maybe tonight will be a night of good dreams.