Ouch. I saw this on social media today and damn if it didn’t hit home.

This is me. 100% I like to pretend that I’m low maintenance but nope, the truth is that I don’t believe that a partner would show up for me. (Especially with all the “no drama please” or “good vibes only” taglines on dating apps. My life is full of drama, and trauma.)

Or if I’m REALLY digging deep, I don’t believe that ANYONE would show up for me.

I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I drive myself nuts trying to figure out why I’m this way…is it evangelical upbringing or genetic generalized anxiety disorder (that I’ve had all my life but only in the past 2 yrs have had proper treatment) or up bringing plus abusive relationships or all of the above. The truth is, the “why” doesn’t matter as much as “wtf am I gonna do about it?”

I’ve been doing some talking with myself lately, and while I truly *do* want a partner, I have zero idea of how to be in a healthy relationship. I’m 45 and I mean that with absolutely, embarrassing, honesty. Fuck, that really sucks in so many ways. So today I’ve been randomly thinking about what that might look like in action….

First of all, I need to set boundaries for myself. No more falling hard and fast, and looking past the lack of green flags. Boundaries….okay, no texting all day, everyday. No seeing each other more than twice a week at first, because they have to fit into my life; I can’t put all my other priorities aside. Daytime, active dates for the first weeks/months. No more late night dates involving too much alcohol. I wanna go to community yoga & tea afterward, paddle boarding followed by coffee/brunch, farmer’s market, beach clean-up, board games at the local art space, roller skating…something other than drinks and dinner. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy drinks & food but I want more; I don’t want that to be the extent of dating.

I’m not low maintenance, and that’s good. I have to learn that it’s good, but boundaries are my first step.

I need someone who understands that I’m not available 24/7, and that my life isn’t easy. I’m not a person who can travel frequently or spontaneously. My kids are my number one priority, and the humans I love most in this world. No one will ever be above my kids, ever. I’ll never choose someone else over them. Plans will get cancelled when they need me to be home, and no one will parent them other than me. That’s a big one, and one that feels like it will get the most pushback; but I don’t care. My kids have been through enough trauma; *I* will be the only one to dole out consequences.

If I ever live with a partner again, I need my own space. Like a literal room or she shed, that’s ALL mine. It will also have a bed, for those times that I need to sleep alone.

My partner will have to attend couples therapy with me & family therapy with my kids (if needed for family…couples therapy has to happen). I’m TERRIBLE at communication in relationships because I’m terrified of confrontation & abandonment, so I need the safe space of couples therapy.

Finances will always remain separate. Like maybe a joint account for joint bills, but otherwise separate. That’s a non-negotiable.

I won’t get legally married again, and a partner needs to understand that. I don’t want the government in my life life at all. I’ll happily have a handfast ceremony or some sort of pagan ceremony, but absolutely no legal ceremony.

I need a partner who will take over housework and cooking when I’m having a fibro flare, endometriosis flare, migraine, or bad depression day. I need a partner who will also do all the nice things during those times…hot beverages, be able to stay in bed with my MacBook, and cuddling when needed; while also making sure the pets & kids are cared for.

I need a partner who understands my need for alone time, including times of needing to sleep alone. I’ve had those times for as long as I can remember and would even end up on couches in my 20s, even when sleeping over at sex partners’ homes.

I feel like I’m looking for a unicorn.

Alternate title to this post could be “reasons I’ll die single” but I’m okay with that too, because I’m not settling for less ever again.