I’ve been kind of coasting along on autopilot, doing the things that I’m supposed to do…daily yoga, meditation, exercise, therapy, parenting, managing kids’ issues, work, taking care of pets, bills, housework…thought I was doing all right but definitely not feeling like I’m functioning at 100%. On Wednesday while I went for a run I listened to Tunde Oyeneyin’s podcast, Flipped(if you don’t know her, she’s a Peloton instructor and she’s fucking amazing), and the episode was about stress. I don’t remember the guest’s name, but they were discussing burn out and it hit me…I am completely burned out on life. I have fleeting moments of joy, but mostly I’m just trying to keep my head above water, while also not letting my kids know how rough shit is for me right now.

Yesterday I was watching The Good Doctor, and there was an episode with a single mom of a kid with serious mental health issues. The kid needed a surgery and the doctors told her that it wouldn’t require an overnight stay; the mom said “Are you sure?” and then went into a discussion about how she just wanted one night alone, how she didn’t get breaks, and how exhausted she was. My internal reaction was “Oh hey, that’s me.” The last time I had an overnight break from my kids was in 2018 when I took my then boyfriend’s older daughter to a music festival…does that really even count as a parenting break since I was still in charge of a teenager?

Having an autistic tween and a teen with serious mental health issues, leaving them overnight even with a sitter, is HARD. J (autistic) really needs to be able to stay at home in his environment, so carting him and AJ (BPD) to out of state family to get a break isn’t possible; and getting family to come here and stay with them is frankly impossible. I keep telling myself that I need to find a sitter who can stay with the kids, dogs, and cats, but even thinking about all the interviewing and mental work that goes into finding a sitter feels completely overwhelming. Add in the mom guilt of knowing that J would worry about me and both kids would feel the need to ‘mask’ in front of a new person…would I even be able to enjoy myself if I did get a break?

Not to mention that home renovations are still not done, so we’re still dealing with having one sink in the whole house and having to do dishes in the bath tub. And while I’m doing the dishes in the tub, I can worry about what will happen if the judge sides with my abusive ex and makes me sell the house. Yes, I can buy it myself but I am tired of fighting y’all. I’m so tired of this hanging over my head and worrying about it.

Here come the tears again.

It’s draining carrying all of this weight, and there really is no one to help me shoulder the emotional burden of all of it. Yes, I have friends who love me and support me and I vent to them; but that’s not the same thing as having someone, a partner or someone to hold me when I cry at night and say “we’ll get through this together.”

I’m tired of everything feeling and being so fucking hard, for me and for my kids. I just want some ease, in some part of my life.

Even making and maintaining friendships has become harder for me, because I just don’t have the bandwidth or energy. You hear so much about needing to “fill your own cup” but when I try to do that, my cup never gets full; it’s like I’m trying to fill a cup that has a crack in it, always slowly leaking so it never gets full. I don’t know how to seal the crack, or even if it’s possible.

I love writing, always have. I communicate better through the written word and writing helps me work out all the jumbled thoughts in my head; but carving out the time to write is another battle against mom guilt. I try so hard to be present with my kids every night during family tv time, and then on the weekends when I could write I struggle with the internal need to be productive (thanks capitalism and stupid conservative upbringing); so I end up cleaning, or doing laundry (still have to take wet clothes to laundromat to dry).

I don’t ever get a break. There’s no one to tag-in when I’m at my breaking point. There’s no co-parent for me to call. There’s no partner to bring me comfort food and hot tea in bed, while they take care of the kids and house responsibilities. It is all on me and that responsibility is so unbearably heavy some days. Today is one of those days.

The tears just keep flowing.

Exercise has long been one of the ways I cope with stress, but right now that’s off the table because I’m dealing with probable tendonitis in my foot; even some yoga poses are painful. I very much get into an “all or nothing” mindset when it comes to my exercise routine, so it is HARD for to take exercise breaks that are unplanned. I keep reminding myself that my 5-10 minutes of gentle, bedtime yoga is valid (and it is) but when I’m used to doing 4-5 days of Peloton bootcamps or rides per week it sucks to have to stop and take a break.

I’m still going to try to paddle board this weekend, even if I have to be on my knees while I paddle.

*6 hours later, after working and crying* I’m exhausted from crying, working, and processing. I have enough words, thoughts, and feelings inside me to fill a book; but I’ve decided that what I need most at this very moment (well, after I pick up kids from school) is a hot shower while listening to a sound bath, and then a nap while listening to Keith Morrison tell me about a terrible crime.