These past couple of weeks have been interesting (that’s me, reframing so that I’m not once again just complaining in my writings). I’ve come out of a low, and my anxiety has ramped up. 12, autistic, had been having a TOUGH time with emotional regulation, especially in the middle of the night. 13 had a whole roller coaster of emotions thanks to BPD, to the degree that I actually drove them to the ER because they asked me too. Instead of going in, we sat outside and they talked through everything with me; and they ended up sleeping in my bed and thanking me for taking them seriously. Recently their anxiety med has changed, and we know they need a different depression med, but we’re waiting until the end of the school year because med changes can SUCK. Same with 12; we know that he needs a different ADHD medication but don’t want to mess up his learning, so we’re holding on til summer.

Oh, and I likely need a medication adjustment, as well as a hysterectomy (please PLEASE let insurance approve it).

On May 20th, I go in front of the judge to fight to keep our home (if you’re new here, my abuser is trying to force me to sell; he’s also over $20k in arrears for child support). I’m trying hard to not spiral into “worst case scenario.”

My anxiety is not a friend of mine right now.

The nice thing about living in a household with enough diagnoses to have our own self help book, is that we all understand having those bad days. And no one has to apologize for them.

This weekend I had a new pet-sitting client and I absolutely loved the aesthetic of their house. It was entirely personalized to the family, contained funky art in many different mediums and styles, and there were family pictures everywhere. It was eclectic, welcoming, comfortable, and bold.

It inspired me.

I keep looking around at the walls of my home, blank and frankly overwhelming. I keep trying to picture the finished project….but there really won’t even be a “finished product” because I’ll always buy art, put up family pictures, and create art.

The walls of our home are the canvas of our memories (wow, I just came up with that…thank you cannabis), and we have decades of memories left to make.

I’m in one of the moods where I’d like to have a partner to make memories with, but it’s hard for introverts to get out and meet folks 😬 And when I do get out, I’m with friends or my kids and don’t wanna be bothered.

The struggle is real.

Plus, right now I’d like my dates to be helping me do home renovations and work in my yard, with me providing food & drink obviously. And then after we’re done we could smoke weed, and relaxing on my patio.

Or even play games-XBox, board, and card; I’ve got them all.

This post has been rambling, which is pretty much my brain these days. So you’re welcome, for another peek into my brain.

Come on, you know you wanna date me.