*Title in homage to Samantha Irby and her chapter titles (if you read this, I adore you)

I’m in the middle of a massive fibromyalgia flare, which isn’t surprising given the amount of stress I’m under. At least I got to enjoy book club and some amazing Indian food before it hit; but let me tell you that this is awful. Feels like the flu, complete with me feeling hot and then freezing, without my actual temp changing (and no it’s not like menopause/hormonal hot flashes; I have those too). My brain fog is TERRIBLE, and my sleep cycle is starting to fuck up even on meds. I feel like Loki after The Hulk threw him around. I am absolutely miserable, even my weed.

What do I think triggered this latest flare? Anxiety, ANXIETY, and more anxiety.

In roughly 2 weeks, I head in front of a judge with my ex, re: him trying to make me sell the house/sue me for contempt. I. Am. Terrified. Facing your abuser is never easy, and the thought of losing our home (my kids & mine) TO MY ABUSER is fucking with my head.

Speaking of court, I got an invoice for $510 for my attorney this week…and I still owe $3000 for the (shitty-more on that in a later post) home repairs/renovations…and I still have to pay over $1000 for new inspections so that I can get homeowners insurance again. Oh, and hurricane season is almost upon us.

13’s mental health while stable-ish, is not necessarily improving much. I’ve started the ball rolling to apply for disability for them because I want to make sure I’m doing everything within my power to set them up for success. School is failing them in so many ways, and I’m both PISSED OFF AS FUCK & so weary that I barely have any fight in me. I worry about their future, and if I’m doing enough…all the time I worry about that. My momma and I had a complicated relationship, and I’m working hard to not repeat parental mistakes…but it’s HARD.

Shit, gotta remember to call the therapy place and get them on the waiting list. (Cue the mom guilt for forgetting to do that last week.)

(Hey, don’t forget that you owe Dad all that $$$$ for the home repairs…cue the daughter guilt)

Work is laying off a bunch of us right now, and offering folks severance packages. I made it through the first round of layoffs, but I’m TERRIFIED TO THE POINT OF STOMACH ISSUES that I’m gonna be jobless soon. If my relationship with work was a FB relationship status, it would be “it’s complicated.” I’m realizing that I’m working for evil, Elon Musk wannabes, but I love what I do as far as helping people. I feel gross working there, and totally believe it’s a toxic, cult-like environment; but I also genuinely enjoy my interactions with clients and most coworkers. Plus, they pay for BetterHelp which is the only reason I’ve been in therapy for 2 years.

Oh and because it’s ‘Murica and we don’t have universal healthcare, I kinda need the health insurance that pays for my meds and regular check-ups.

I’ve never had a possible layoff looming over me…45 years old and I’ve never involuntarily left a job. Over the past several days, my big bosses have made me (and everyone else who’s in the same job position) feel expendable, and like we have little to no value with the company.

Never believe a company that says “we’re family” because it’s just an excuse to pay you less than a living wage, while also telling you how amazing you are, 2 months before they decide to layoff over 20% of you.

I need a work at home job. Working outside of the home is just not sustainable with my fibro (which, by the way, has gotten SO MUCH WORSE after having COVID-19), and my kids’ mental health issues.

I handle all of this stress and bullshit without a partner. Every fucking day, there’s no one to debrief with or share a beer with after the kids go to bed. There’s no co-parent who takes them for weekends, so I can breathe.

It’s really isolating. But also, after so much isolation, it’s become comfortable to a degree. For almost a decade I was conditioned by my abuser (Preston Moudy), to not tell anyone about any struggles…and that no one wanted to hear me. So believing that my friend in *insert neighboring town here* actually means it when she says “bring yourself and your kids if you want, any time to hang out and play in the pool” is HARD because there’s still that very small (getting smaller all the time) that says “She doesn’t mean that. She’s just being nice because you’re a ‘single mom’ and you complain all the time.”

How do I fight that LYING ASS inner voice? I literally say it loud to that person. “Stoner Mom, Do you mean that you actually told your friend what your lying ass inner voice said?!” YES I FUCKING DID. I said it to her and told her that my anxiety and C-PTSD like to lie to me.

And did she look at me like a freak? Nope she did not. She validated my social anxiety and reiterated in the most genuine way, that she fucking meant it.

I’m 45 years old and STRUGGLING with feelings of worthiness. Sometimes I try to unpack the “why” but right now, in this time of almost disabling anxiety and depression I don’t care a lot the why. I just want the fix.

Yes, I know the fix isn’t easy and might require me to figure out the “why”. What I want more than anything right now, is to feel like I have a soft place for my trauma to land.

And that’s why I’m not dating (AGAIN)…because I’m prime picking for another narcissist right now. (Look at that, therapy is working.)

I’m not sure why everything is hitting me hard in this moment, but thank goodness I have therapy tomorrow. I’ll do whatever I have to do in order to keep BetterHelp; my therapist has been life changing for me.

For tonight? I’ll pour another gin drink, and get lost in some true crime.