I think I’m done with cis-men…like I’m 95% sure that I don’t want to ever date one again. When I envision my future, I don’t necessarily see a cis-man in it as my partner. (And for the record, sometimes I don’t see a partner in my future.) More often than not, if I’m envisioning a possible future it’s with a woman.

That means that I have to date women, which requires me to leave the house more often and be social…with strangers.

“Why don’t you use a dating app?” Nope, done with those after watching Dating App Horrors on Hulu. Never again.

I was watching Heartstopper on Netflix earlier (it’s adorable and I love it), and all I could think watching it was “I wish I’d had all the awkward dating moment with women already.” The thought of stumbling through all the awkwardness of flirting and making out with women; not to mention the sex….lawd those first times with cis-men was AWKWARD.

Or maybe it won’t be awkward with a women? (Nah, it’ll still be awkward because I’m awkward.)

I don’t live in a queer friendly area, as partially evidenced by all the bullying my queer kid has endured. Plus I’m an introvert so if I’m out somewhere it’s not like I’m trying to meet random people. No, I’m more likely to quietly sip wine while I read a book rather than actually talk to folks.

How the fuck am I supposed to meet the person of my dreams, when my idea of a fun Friday night is Netflix and chill on my couch, enjoying marijuana, and eating vegan ice cream straight from the container?

Also the whole initial part of dating where you try to figure out who the real person is, behind the “dating mask” is exhausting; and let’s not even talk about how hard it is for me to try to be “normal” while in the beginning of dating. Being my authentic self with someone new is something that I just don’t know how to do yet…it’s HARD.

I just want to skip past all the awkward stuff and get to the “snuggling in bed on Sunday while we watch tv, sip coffee/tea, and eat brunch” part, and the “wandering around farmer’s market and art walk while holding hands” part, and the “taking care of each other when sick/having a rough mental health day” part.

It would be really nice to have a supportive partner right now. Someone in person to talk with and snuggle with at the end of the day. Someone to help me continue redoing the house; not just help…I’d like to be redoing my house with a partner, because of how doing that adds a new depth to a relationship.

Damn. There it is. I want a relationship with depth, and a future…and redecorating a home together symbolizes a hope that I miss having.

Now I just have to figure out the dating women part…sigh