I’ve been listening to a podcast lately called Something Was Wrong, about recovering from emotional abuse; and the first season’s relationship is so similar to my relationship and marriage. There were so many red flags, and so many times I ignored my intuition; I was codependent, and he made me that way.

We met in March 2006 and by the summer, I was leaving my nice University job and moving to Savannah, GA to be with him. He was incredible at love bombing, and doing all the things that narcissists do; he got me totally isolated from family and friends. I was literally 8-10 hours away from everyone I knew and loved. Things were going “well” until I realized how much time & money he spent on online games and it pissed me the fuck off. We were in a loft bedroom apt, so his gaming downstairs would keep me awake (the sleep deprivation torture began then).

One night a couple of months after moving there, we were arguing and drinking, and he kept pushing my buttons…just pushing and wouldn’t stop. (It’s important to note that he had not been physically abusive to me yet, but by this point he’d made me completely codependent.) He then just started packing a bag, said he’d go live in the barracks, and started trying to leave. I freaked the fuck out. Here was this man that loved me, and I uprooted my life for him, now saying that he was going to abandon me. I remember having a panic attack and starting to hit him a lot, then sobbing, while he held me and forgave me….he forgave me for a trauma response that he caused. Also an important note, he didn’t get physical with me at all that night, which shows his self control AND how absolutely depraved he was because he was playing the long con.

Not long after that night, his estranged wife (yes he was married “but separated”) emailed me to tell me that he’d physically abused her. My first thought? “No way he’s an abuser…he didn’t hit me when I lost it that one night.”

Do I believe that he planned that night, for me to hit him? Absolutely. He knew the exact buttons to push, and he didn’t get close to hitting me.

I was never one to get violent like that, ever. Scream, and possibly throw a non-breakable item? Sure. But I was never someone who hit, ever. *That should’ve been a clue to me; I was losing myself.”

That was in 2006, and I’m only now able to say that I’ve 100% forgiven myself for having that trauma response. For so long I carried shame around my violent reaction, not fully trusting myself; now I have finally released that shame because it was not my fault.

Oh yeah, he won in court last week. Now I get to navigate trying to buy the house from him, since my attorney assured me that “he can’t control who buys the house, as long as they buy at fair market price.” Next we head to court over custody and child support.

Too bad Dexter isn’t real.